


McRobbed

by Lieutenant_Romanoff



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Achievement Hunter Heists, F/M, Fake AH Crew, Missions Gone Wrong, Pre-Fake AH Crew, because its ah, i finally wrote AH fanfiction, it doesn't go well, lots of swearing, ray finds them, they try to rob a mcdonalds, tina just wants her damn milkshake, tina/ray is minor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-19
Updated: 2017-05-19
Packaged: 2018-11-02 15:37:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10947510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lieutenant_Romanoff/pseuds/Lieutenant_Romanoff
Summary: The Fake AH Crew attempt to rob a McDonalds. It doesn't go well. Ray can't believe his life is even real.





	McRobbed

**Author's Note:**

> Taken from this prompt from theapplepielifestyle on tumblr- ‘I walked into the public bathroom at a mcdonalds and you’re dangling halfway out of an air vent do I even want to know what you were doing’ au 
> 
> Wanted to write something with Ray and Jeremy in because I love them both dearly. This would be more shippy but I just love Tina and Ray and their relationship <3

“And don’t forget the milkshake this time or I swear I won’t let you back in!” Tina shouted from the gaming room as Ray made his way out of the apartment. He rolled his eyes. A guy forgets milkshake one time and next thing you know your girlfriend is repeating it as though it’s some kind of meme. None the less he yelled back a sarcastic agreement and a quick ‘I love you’ before dashing out to the street. As the scorching humidity greeted him he took a moment to silently appreciate how great a boyfriend he was. Leaving the relative coolness of his home to get his girlfriend McDonalds whilst she streamed her video games- a true hero. Admittedly it was only a five minute walk down the road but still this was Texas, mere seconds in this heat could be enough to kill you! Why, if he didn’t walk fast enough who’d know what would happen? He could burn up! His delicate skin that was so rarely exposed to the sun could burn instantly! His body could stop working! His-

“Hello sir how can I help you?”

Ray shook himself out of his thoughts. Oh. He’d made it to McDonalds. No need for worrying then. He quickly placed his order and the bored looking employee turned his back to get the food he’d requested. As the teenager began to pour coke into the cup, Ray was struck by the sudden and nagging need to go to the toilet. He didn’t want to miss his order but at the same time all that liquid was seriously affecting him. He gritted his teeth but as the teenager began filling up another cup he let out a defeated noise and dashed off to the public restroom. He rushed into the bathroom and quickly undid his jeans, sighing quietly as he relieved himself. Oh god that was much better. Damn the noise of running water and the effect it had on his bladder. Ray readjusted himself, zipped his jeans back up and went to wash his hands in front of one of the obnoxiously big mirrors they had in bathrooms. Seriously, what was with these mirrors, he didn’t need to look himself in the eye as he washed his hands and he certainly didn’t need to check his appearance (because, of course, it would be flawless)

Just as he shook his hands off, ready to wipe them on his legs and leave the bathroom to get his <cough> Tina’s <cough> food, he was stopped by a loud bang followed by what could only be described as a squawk. Whipping around to see the cause of the noise Ray came nose to nose with a person.

“HOLY SHIT.” He yelled, jumping backwards. The person in question was an upside down, sandy haired man with an unusually large nose. Wait a second, upside down? Ray took a good look at the man in front of him and couldn’t believe his eyes. Yep, this guy was indeed hanging out of the air vent, eyes wide in horror and confusion.

“Oh bloody hell this isn’t right.” The man hissed in an accented voice. He turned bright red as he looked Ray in the eyes.

“Oh Christ I’m sorry about this.” He apologised, “This really isn’t how this whole thing was meant to play out.”

“Er, it’s cool.” Ray replied, unsure of exactly what to say. After all, what the hell do you say to a British guy who fell out of an air vent in front of you in a McDonalds bathroom. Honestly, he couldn’t make this up. There was no way Tina was going to believe him. The guy was still looking around the bathroom with a slightly quizzical look on his face.

“I swear I’m going to kill Michael, he said he was certain this was the right vent…” He muttered

“Alright, I need to ask. What are you doing in the air vent of McDonalds?” Ray burst out, unable to help himself. The British man turned back to face him and a cheeky smile came to his face.

“Now that’s top secret, boi.” He said with a wink.

“Top secret, huh? So you can’t tell me?”

“Nope.” The man replied, popping the p. Ray shrugged his shoulders.

“Well then, if you can’t tell me I’m sure the police would be able to find out…” At the mention of the police the man’s eyes widened.

“No!” He said a little too quickly, wildly shaking his head which made his body swing a little too wildly. Ray couldn’t help but grin and he looked the Brit in the eyes. The man sighed.

“Oh bugger it. Geoff is going to kill me. Look we’re trying to rob the place, okay? We’re a gang, we heist, we get money, we get rich.”

Ray couldn’t help but snicker. First of all, this guy, a gang member? As if! He squawked like a bird and Ray had managed to make him talk with the mere mention of the police. And what the hell kind of gang robbed a McDonalds?! The man in front of him let out an indignant cry.

“Hey, what’re you laughing for?”

“Just-pfft- you’re not exactly good at heisting.” This drew another indignant shout which sounded more like a grumpy pigeon than anything else. Ray couldn’t help but let out a loud laugh which did nothing but make the British man splutter more.

“What the fuck are you doing Gavin?!”

Ray looked around in confusion, trying to find the source of the shouting.

“He’s probably got himself stuck again.”

Another voice? Alright, was he going insane?! It would certainly explain the whole ‘British-man-in-a-vent’ thing. But before Ray could continue along this trail of his own insanity, three faces appeared in the vent by… Gavin, he guessed the Brit’s name was, by Gavin’s feet. Well two faces and perhaps the creepiest looking skull he’d seen in his life.

“Oh fucking hell.” A curly haired man cursed, staring down at his upside down friend’s grinning face.

“Hello Michael!” He said cheerily, as though this were a normal daily occurrence for him. Judging by the way the blue haired man rolled his eyes, it probably was.

“Don’t Mic-oo me, Gavin. What the fuck have you done?”

“And more importantly, who is this guy?” The mask spoke up and pointed a gloved finger at Ray. He laughed nervously.

“Me? Oh god I’m nobody. Nope. Just got here actually. And I’ll be leaving now…” He stumbled out but as he took a step towards the door, the masked man pulled a gun out. Oh wonderful. Just Ray’s luck that he would be killed in a fucking McDonald’s bathroom. Classy.

“Oh come on Ryan, you don’t need to pull the whole scary guy act. This guy’s cool.” Gavin said, grinning up at… Ryan. Nope that did not suit him. Creepy skull guy was a much better name. Ray was however more surprised by this man defending him. That was certainly… weird.

“Are you serious, Gavin?” The blue haired man finally spoke up and his eyes darted between Ray and Gavin.

“Yeah, he seems pretty top! Other than him laughing at me of course…”

“Gav, everyone laughs at you.” Curly haired Michael muttered but before Gavin could defend himself, creepy skull gu- Ryan, spoke up.

“He looks like a goody two shoes is what he looks like. Kid looks like he barely goes outside let alone does anything illegal.”

“Ryan’s right, he looks a bit of a loser. Only shooting he’s done is probably in Call of Duty.” The blue haired man added.

“Big old virgin.” Michael said with a chuckle and Gavin let out a laugh along with him. Hey! Wasn’t this guy defending him a second ago?

“Actually I have a girlfriend.” Ray defended himself but was met with nothing but snorts.

“Alright, of course you do.” Michael retorted, still chuckling slightly.

“You’re ones to talk about losers anyway. You’re the ones robbing a fucking McDonalds.” Ray snapped at them and the four turned silent. Boom. Got ‘em.

“Well I mean-”Gavin started

“We’ve totally robbed other places-” Blue hair interrupted

“Gotta start somewhere right?” Michael shrugged.

Ray let out a sigh. Alright, these guys were pretty hopeless criminals. They rob a McDonalds. No, scratch that. They TRIED and FAILED to rob a McDonalds. And now they were having a conversation with a guy in the bathroom. Frankly they were lucky nobody had walked in and caught them in there. How they hadn’t been arrested yet was a mystery to him.

And yet… That Ryan guy was pretty damn intimidating and the way he handled a gun suggested he was no stranger to using it. Gavin had managed to get all this way through the air vents which, if Ray was being completely honest, was no easy task. The way the blue haired guy looked around the room suggested he wasn’t totally incompetent and was an expert at finding perfect shooting and hiding locations. And this Michael guy, all that rage had to be useful somehow. Maybe these guys weren’t totally incompetent, maybe just a bit idiotic and misguided. 

Whilst these thoughts were running through Ray’s head, it seemed Ryan the skull guy had decided he’d had enough. He cocked his gun and aimed the barrel towards Ray. Great, this was it then. Looks like Tina wouldn’t get her milkshake after all. What a shitty boyfriend he was. To his surprise though, three voices piped up.

“Ah come on, Ryan.”

“The guy seems alright.”

“Let’s NOT kill anyone today, yeah?”

There was a long pause in which Ray honestly didn’t know if he was going to hear a shot and feel his brain get blasted out the back of his head. Fortunately, it never came. Instead Ryan sighed deeply and withdrew his gun. Ray let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding.

“Alright. But he’s still seen us and he knows what you three idiots look like. So what exactly are we going to do to shut him up?”

“I mean we could just let ‘im join the gang…” Gavin piped up. This was followed by scoffing and eye rolls from the rest of his companions.

“Jesus Christ Gavin this is a gang not a god damn shelter for strays.” Michael snapped at the British man who merely shrugged at the others.

“Well I don’t hear anyone else coming up with a plan.” To Ray’s surprise the other 3 men remained silent, not coming up with any ideas of their own and seeming like they were actually… considering it? Hold on a minute, were they genuinely thinking about this?!

“We’d have to speak to Geoff first, get him to agree to it…”

“There’s no guarantee but I mean at least give the guy a chance before blowing his brains out…”

Holy shit. Yep. They were actually thinking about this. Ray considered speaking up, pointing out that he had literally no skills in life let alone in criminal activity. Not to mention that he wasn’t particularly looking for a job that came with so many hazards. One look at Ryan’s gun though reminded him that this ‘job’ was the only thing keeping him alive right now so he kept his mouth firmly shut as the four muttered amongst themselves. Eventually it seemed they made a decision, and Gavin grinned as he turned to Ray.

“Alright boi, today’s your lucky day! We gotta speak to the boss first but if he likes you, you’ll be able to join us!”

“Great.” Ray managed to force out with a slight smile that seemed to make Gavin’s grin widen even more. There was an awkward pause as the four gang members stared at him. Jeez this was all so weird, could they just say something or, even better, just leave.

“Errr… so do you guys need my details or…” He trailed off realising that he didn’t really want to give these utter strangers his phone number or address or anything. Hell they didn’t even know his name and he’d rather it stayed that way.

“Nope.” The blue haired guy said simply from above him.

“Trust us, we’ll find you.” Ryan the creepy guy added. Ugh, as if he wasn’t already bloody terrifying.

“See you around then, boi!” Gavin chirped as the rest of the men yanked him by his legs back into the vent. A metallic ‘bang’ followed by a remarkably bird like squawk told him that they were making no efforts to be gentle with the Englishman. Just before he closed the vent, Michael shot him a quick wink.

“We’ll be in touch.” And with that he pulled the vent closed behind him leaving Ray standing alone, and still a little confused. The bathroom door swung upon with a loud bang and Ray jumped, whipping around.

“Dude, your order has been ready for like 10 minutes.” The teen who had taken his order earlier stood in the doorway with an exasperated look on his face. Ray quickly pulled himself together.

“Oh shit yeah, sorry man.” He mumbled and the employee replied by simply rolling his eyes and walking straight back out the room. Ray made a few steps to follow him before pausing and looking back to the vent. He shook his head.

“Weird fucking day.” He muttered.

***

Five days later, after much teasing from Tina about how he’d been so inconsiderate to take a shit in McDonalds when he was meant to be getting her food (after much consideration he'd decided to spare her from his traumatic story, that and she would certainly not believe him), the ominous message that the crew “would be in contact” had almost completely gone from Ray’s mind. He’d spent a couple of days getting some tough achievements and finally reaching the 700,000 gamerscore milestone, taking Charlie out for long walks and spending some quality time with his girlfriend. So he didn’t really think much of it when the phone rang and he carefully extracted himself from Tina’s bone crushing hug and insistence that “whoever it is can wait”. He walked over to the phone and answered in his usual jovial tone.

“Helloooo, Narvaez residence.”

“Ray Narvaez Jr I assume?” Said an unknown voice on the other end. Ray frowned.

“Yes it is, who is this?”  

“My name is Geoff Ramsey and I’m going to give you an offer you can’t refuse.” Ray rolled his eyes. Probably just some salesman trying to sell him some useless crap he didn’t want or need.

“Yeah I’m not interested.” Ray told the man and he was about to hang up the phone when the man spoke again.

“Oh really? I believe you told my associates differently the other day…”

“What are you-” Ray froze. Oh god no. What was it those guys in the vent the other week had said? That they’d have to get Geoff to agree. Oh no. Oh _fuck_ no.

“How the fuck did you get my number.” He hissed down the phone. The man laughed.

“We’re criminals, buddy. We have our ways.” Ray gulped. “Now listen, Gavin’s been talking my ear off about you all damn week and to make matters worse, Michael and Jeremy have been joining him.” This Jeremy he was talking about had to be the blue haired guy who he hadn’t managed to catch the name of.

“He did seem talkative when I met him.” Ray blurted out. Wait, why was he making conversation with this guy? This… mob boss. Geoff laughed heartily down the phone in a way that really didn’t seem befitting of a criminal leader.

“Ah shit you’re not wrong kid! Anyway, you ever shot a gun before?” The sudden change in topic took Ray off guard. Seriously who followed up with a question like that?

“What?”

“You heard me, you ever shot a gun? And I’m not talking about in those video games you’re always playing. Oh, congrats on the gamerscore by the way.” Ray froze. How the fuck did he know about that? Were they… watching him? He shifted uncomfortably and looked around his apartment.

“Well? You going to fucking answer me or what?” The man on the phone spoke again and jolted Ray back.

“Err no I haven’t.”

“Hm. Alright then. Got any plans for tomorrow?”

“Plans?”

“Yeah plans. Anything you can’t move?” Ray frowned.

“No I don’t think so?” Wait, why was he answering him? He should lie! Say he’s busy tomorrow, and the next day and for the next year! Just keep these people away…

“Great! I’ll have Jack come pick you up tomorrow. He’ll take you to the shooting range and we’ll see what you’ve got.”

“Wait what?” Ray burst out. They were coming to him? What the fuck? And how did they know where he lived?

“Relax kid we know where you live but we’re not going to come and watch you while you sleep or any of that creepy shit.” That was hardly Ray’s problem but he felt unable to speak. “Anyway, see you tomorrow. Jack will be there about 10.”

“Wait wait I didn’t agree to this!” Ray finally found the energy to speak up and question this crazy situation he was in. Geoff merely laughed down the phone at him.

“Sorry but you kind of did. It was this or have your brains blown out so frankly I think you’re getting off lightly here.”

“Ah… shit.” Ray said softly.

“Look buddy, this situation isn’t that bad for you. We pay well, real well. You and you girlfriend can get a nice place, buy all the games and shit you could possibly want. And we’ll protect you. This isn’t some mindless gang where we blow shit up and argue and try to kill each other. We watch each others backs. And I’m telling you, we’re going to be rich as fuck one day soon.”

“How you going to do that when you’re failing to rob McDonalds?” Ray blurted out before he could stop himself. Thankfully, Geoff just laughed.

“Alright I get that. That’s totally fair. But we gotta start somewhere. And with your help I’m sure we can start hitting more… wealthy targets.”

“With my help?” Ray was totally confused. “How the fuck am I meant to help? I can’t shoot a gun, I’ve never done a single illegal thing. Well over than downloading films but shit everyone does that.”

“Don’t you get it? The fact that you’re still here says something. Ryan saw some potential in you. He had to otherwise he would have killed you then and there no matter what the lads said.”

“What did he see in me?” Ray asked because he’d be damned if he could think of anything he’d done in that bathroom that showed gang potential. He'd just stood there wide eyed and desperately tried not to piss his pants.

“Something about quick reflexes. A good eye. Smart mind.”

“How the fuck did he know any of that?”

“How the fuck does Ryan know anything? He’s a weird fucking guy! But I trust him and I trust his initiative. That and I’m sick of Gavin’s nagging. So I’m giving you a shot.”

Ray thought on this for a moment. Firstly this did confirm his thinking that creepy skull guy Ryan was indeed a fucking freak. But he thought he had skills, he thought he had potential. He was probably the first person to ever say anything good about Ray. And secondly, Gavin had, for some unknown reason, taken a real liking to him. He’d thought the guy was just being overly friendly but turns out he actually liked him? Ray wasn’t exactly a people person so the idea that someone had grown to like him in a matter of minutes? That felt pretty damn good. Maybe this whole thing… wasn’t such a bad idea?

_But they’re criminals_ a tiny part of his brain hissed at him. This was undeniable, they were carrying guns, they wanted to rob a place, they were certainly not good people. But then again, who cared? What had the law ever really meant to him? Did he care if a corporation lost a little bit of its crazy high profits? So what if some policeman got their ass handed to him by a criminal? Did he actually give a shit about the law? Not really, his mind supplied for him. Just break a few rules and he could get Tina all the expensive clothes she’d been fawning over, just bend a few laws and Charlie could have a shiba sibling. He took a deep breath.

“Alright, so be ready for 10 yeah?” He wasn’t agreeing to anything right now. He was just going to meet the crew and have a go at shooting a gun. He might be useless. They might hate him. There was no harm in trying.

“Excellent! Yep, we’ll see you then.” Ray could have sworn he heard a sigh of relief.

“See you tomorrow.” Ray went to hang up the phone again but Geoff stopped him.

“One more thing kid.”

“Yeah?” He heard Geoff giggle, honest to god _giggle,_ on the other end of the phone.

“Welcome to the Fake AH Crew.”

 


End file.
